chocolate dreams....

lost and to be found:

a reason.. an answer to my sleepless nights.. something that 'll tell me - bud, this is what you are.. what you are doing.. and where you are going..
I have searched and obviously in vain.. maybe i am asking the wrong questions.. maybe i am looking in the wrong places.. maybe i shouldnt be.. hmm.. all i get is more questions.. more to add to a list i do not want to revisit from the fear of exhaustion - the fear of losing myself in the depth of my ignorance.. [this must be an oxymoron]..
troubled.. maybe not.. but getting there.. I find no respite.. no satisfaction.. work is but a mundane activity.. but so is life.. actually its not always so.. there are moments.. moments that make up my entire day.. is it worth my entire day for those moments.. maybe so..
There's something about me i haven't been able to understand.. something that lurks.. in there.. It appears dark to me at times.. but maybe so because i haven't figured it out yet..

Life - as i have lived it - will not be be aptly presumed.. by many and maybe rightly so.. but then again I do not regret and maybe rightly so too.. maybe today is a lie... for a happier tomorrow.. maybe yesterday was one .. but then.. when the tomorrow comes will it be worth it..

questions all.. but sometimes again i am normal.. very normal ... i dream of a million and more.. ['dream of ' actually means wish for ] i wish for that fancy car.. fancy house and self employment.. or the not having the need for it... normal all .. and not aptly normal.

Am i searching.. when i should not be.. well.. freedom dictates the search for itself.. freedom from questions.. I crave a day when i know exactly what i want to do for the whole 24 hours.. the whole enchilada as they say... i crave for that morning when i wake up and know.. i am going to do what i want to and know i want to .... its poison.. slow as chocolate and equally enticing.....

kuch hai aise geet.. jo gaa kar gham bhula dethe hai log..
kuch hai aise pal.. jo paa kar... duniya bhuladethe hai log..
kuch hai aise lamhe.. jo insaan ko badal dethe hai..

kuch paa kar kuch khona.. kuch kho kar kuch paana..
sunn pyaare... isi ka naam hai jeena...

more from the same...

7:40 am - almost an ode... A long time ago..
when the grass looked green...
and the world... i had not seen..
i has no cares on my mind...
and no shackles to unwind...

A long time ago..
when i had a different hue to my voice..
when i had the luxury of choice...
i took the path untrodden...
hoping for my horizons to broaden...

a long time.. sure.. it has been...
and a lot, since have i seen...
and the question irks me yet...
on a differnet road... would we still have met...

for you are what keeps me afloat..
when nothin remains of my haute..

to b continued..... am too sleepy,.. tired... hmm.. and the excuses.. flow on...

almost a poem...

I went back to see my old blogs.. couldn't leave this there to be deleted... so here it is... almost a poem...

i came here for silence.. i came here for peace.. i have spent last evening here.. and many before .. i feel at home here.. i feel supreme here... the sea unfurls underneath.. and expands around my stony sheath.. i fear not its rumbling waves... i fear not its incessant raves... my rock stands steadfast... unwavering to the mighty haste.. i wait here until the red one recedes.. and its color the ocean bleeds.. i remember the first time i was here... i remember my consummating fear.. i had hoped for respite.. i had hoped i did not have to fight.. how i wanted the waves to win.. how i wanted the world not to hear me whine.. i had come here to die.. i had hoped no more to lie.. but my rock stood its ground... ever since to it i have been bound.. it has taught me life's little art... it has given me a new start... i have learnt to stand and fight even when the tunnel end has no light for there's something on which i can rely through life's low and high... my little rock will stand still and deny the ocean's will...