Kushi

my world .. is this world.. 

where did my darling go..

I hear her ... out there ...

can't find her...behind any door..

she lives on .. but doesn't.. 

will see her.. no more..

will feel her within.. way more

Aayinaa

Kuch aise sitaarein hain 

(there are some stars..)

Jinhe apne chamak ki andaz nahi..

(who do not know their own brightness..)

Mein tho hu sirf ek ainaa

(I am but a mirror..)

Mera farz mujhe nibhaane dho

(let me do my duty..)

Dikhaoo tujhe tere farishte wali par

(let me show you your angelic wings..)

Sunaoo tujhe tere udaan ki leher

(let me narrate the waves of your flight..)

Bataoo tujhe tere chamak ki andaaz

(let me tell you about the glow in your being..)

akhela

Akele raathon mein..

adhoori mulakhaaton mein..

naa kho jaayo is pal ki kyu mein..

khudoh inn mein.. jeelo...bhuno ek kahaani..

tum ho na ho

khoya ghaliyon ki .. sothe rasthon mein..
bheegi shaakon ki.. namm pathon mein..
subah ki kirno mein.. hawaa ki mausiki mein
bandh aakhon mein,.. khilte hue khwaabon mein.. 
rukhi si pal-ot mein.. dheemi saans mein..
doonda hu tujhe mein.. dhoori ki deewana pan mein.. 

par pau tho sirf tumhe mere aks ki adhoora pan mein .. 
raat ki bedaari mein .. akela hone ki tanhaayion mein.. 

darde dil ki aajizi mein.. faqiid hone ki aans mein..

bemukaam bhatakthe guzhaarein hum.. 

bavafaa phir bhi hammare duniya ki..

qaul ke hai ghulaam -- tum ho na ho...

re-universe

a girl from  - half the world away.. 

smile once - takes my breath away.. 

my nights - she holds a certain sway.. 

damn right - lights them bright as day..

she tells me - the kid in her lives..

shows up - in all the joy she gives..

signs off - lulls me back to little memes.. 

back in - to brighten up my dreams.. 

sudur

Rang zindagi ke.. raat chu gaye..

aakh khul gaye tho - khwaab ghum gaye.. 

mud ke dekha tho - sahil nikhal gaya.. 

manzil hai kahaa.. sochthe reh gaya.. 

kuch the jo sapnein - jaane kahaa phisal gaye.. 

ab tho bin manzil bhatak the phir rahe.. 

mashal ki hai bhaari zimeendaari.. 

bina dil mein chingaari.. kaise nibhaye.. 

 

To be a dad

 To all the daddies with little girls who aren't old enough yet to ask for what they need from you, here is what we wish you knew:

1. How you love me is how I will love myself.

2. Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer, I need to know you value me before I can understand my true value.

3. I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, whether you are married to her or not.

4. If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don't understand it, so talk to me.

5. Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.

6. I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, so I learn to trust the physicality of men.

7. Please don't talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I think it's something dirty.

8. When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.

9. How you talk about female bodies when you're "just joking" is what I believe about my own.

10. How you handle my heart, is how I will allow it to be handled by others.

11. If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it.

12. If you teach me what safe feels like when I'm with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men who are not.

13. Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than dress size.

14. Let me say exactly what I want even if it's wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you.

15. When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it.

16. If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.

17. When I ask you to let go, please remain available; I will always come back and need you if you do.

18. If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it.

19. When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do.

20. When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting.

21. How you treat our dog when you think I'm not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.

22. Don't let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.

23. Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.

24. Please don't lie, because I believe what you say.

25. Don't avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I'm not worth fighting for.

It's pretty simple, really. Little girls just love their daddies. They each think their daddy hung the moon. Once in a while when you look at your little gal twirling in her frilly skirt, remember she'll be grown one day. What do you want her to know about men, life, herself, love? What you do and say now matters for a lifetime. Daddies, never underestimate the impact of your words or deeds on your daughters, no matter their age.

Words worth sharing from:: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-little-girls-wish-daddies-knew_b_4581782?utm_campaign=share_email&ncid=other_email_o63gt2jcad4

..depress me not..

 

. 

                                                             

in the depths of despair.

for life hasn't been fair

I find myself in pill after pill..

unnamed, unknown and of my free will.. 

 trying to find sleep.. trying to find peace.. 

i have been there before -- been given new lease.. 

got no tears left.. for all have been spent.. 

been ages since somethings' really meant.

it's just another day.. will go its own way.. 

no mountains to climb.. no paths to lay anew.. 

time goes by now.. seen but by few.. 

feel nothing now - but the pain of you..

 Something's amiss .. quite the abyss.. 

feel wanted no more.. feel needed no more.. 

whatever i fill, the void eats it.. 

back again darkness meets it..

deepest blues

 

deepest blue....


broken up .. lost and found ..
all wound up..
dawn upon.. 
can't break me no more.. 
can't wake me no more.. 

shattered still .. will shine on..
battered still .. will fine on.. 
pride to keep me afloat..
died a little inside..
but fight ..i go on..  

sleep

Success as a parent and at work is one of the toughest balances to strike - if not the toughest. Basically at an approximate - you need to spare ~12 hours a day to your children (if not more - especially if you have infants/toddlers), and ~ the same at work - if you want to make a difference and maybe more if you have a commute - plus of course find time for your significant other (who is going through pretty much the same - even more so - if he/she is working) and then of course - find time to sleep. This besides everything else that needs to happen to keep going on. Now - the last time i checked, there were only 24 hours a day.

Suddenly - life becomes more of an exercise. There are those really beautiful moments - and quite a few of them - in comparison to what we had when it was just the two of us. But around these are some really tiring, sleepless, unappreciated, taxing, complicated, frenzied, disorganized, effort filled (this is going to go on.. if i don't stop now ... ) hours of the day. And this is a normal day. There are the other ones - the thought of which itself is disturbing and I would rather not discuss those. This balance seems more and more elusive and  the fear of not being able to do justice to either adds to the sleep deprivation.

It requires well coordinated teams who understand and complement each other - both at work and at home. And that is a pretty big ask. I have seen it happen though. .. which gives me the inkling of hope that one day I will find that balance. But until then. . The routine is -Sleep less. Worry more. And somehow find the time to sleep and the strength to keep going.

California Calling

Full streams and falling pride

Move on out .. Wash them past

The walls we build.. The dreams we killed

Its alright .. Its alright..

Let them burn.. Will light our way..

We 'll be great again.. We'll shine bright

Its just blood.. We'll wash it off..

Full streams and falling pride

Akela..

In a lonely large world.. life is a little game..
take it by the horns.. live it by your rules...
but remember yet.. it is but a game...

Jeeloon is pal mein

kabhi hai haasil, kabhi ek khoj
zindagi ek pehloo . sujha na pau
kabhi hu zinda, kabhi khoya
zindagi ek safar .. sambhal na pau

Akela hu sabh ke sangh, adhura tere bin
Hai haasil duniya..
phisalthi reth hai mutti mein..
hu bhataktha hua musafir..
hu adhoora ek kahaani ..

Doondu iss soonapan mein ek manzil
ya bhatku inn lehron ke disha..
kal ka khwaab ka kya patha..
jeeloon is pal mein.. 

Better world

It's a better world. .than the way its told
Its a better world, than what we have been sold.
it ain't so cold, there's hands to hold
And warm words doled.
to embrace, there's arms that unfold
and shoulders lent, when there is a need.

the MLC

As i drive along, a lot many times, i see people standing over bridges - just staring down at the freeway. Watching the cars fly by. watching people pass through. Thousands of stories - a moment of which - they become part of - while all of these moments together adding up to nothing of an afternoon for the ones on the bridge.

My days - of late - seem to resemble more and more - like standing on the bridge watching the traffic flow through under. There's many a story going around - none of which i seem to be of any importance to - or able to make an impact on. Life goes on. And like the ones on the bridge, I eventually get up and head home.

The little ones are the only ones that seem to provide some rhyme and reason to my days - the only silver lining. Maybe this is what midlife crisis is - maybe i should buy myself a bike :) Wait - is 35 like mid life? hmm.. 

Resilience

Winds of change changing time...
moving farther everything i considered mine..
but you know.. i 'll be just fine..

wandering wandering on..
wading through treacherous sea..
i wake up again.. i 'll be just fine

words said and unsaid.. all sail through..
remembering the little i did not do..
and the many fights I did not fight. .
I look back now. . and I know it well. .
I'll be just fine.

For its never enough. . Once it's not. .
for the shoes are way too big. .
And the roles too much to play. .
take a step back and look again. . It was always a dream. But you know what. ...
I'll be just fine!

'Do not go gentle into that good night'

Words to remember (from Interstellar):

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

wanderers

wingless wanderers, travel the wide world

seeking not an abode - i'm told

in them eyes, though i see a thirst

for warmth - for a foothold on the horst..

a space they could call their own

just not one place to hold them down

some find it in the journey.. some wander on...

A clown and a champion

To be their clown and their champion,
to be their wuss and their Warrior,
to be there day in and day out....
to say good night and hold them tight. .

To be brave and a coward. .
to be strong and fall with a touch....
to be gentle and be abused...
To take the blame and be the accused. .

to walk with them hand in hand,
to carry them and them attend..
to be, with them,  a kid again. .
This is who I am... I am a dad!!!

do I have a question?