California Calling

Full streams and falling pride

Move on out .. Wash them past

The walls we build.. The dreams we killed

Its alright .. Its alright..

Let them burn.. Will light our way..

We 'll be great again.. We'll shine bright

Its just blood.. We'll wash it off..

Full streams and falling pride

Akela..

In a lonely large world.. life is a little game..
take it by the horns.. live it by your rules...
but remember yet.. it is but a game...

Jeeloon is pal mein

kabhi hai haasil, kabhi ek khoj
zindagi ek pehloo . sujha na pau
kabhi hu zinda, kabhi khoya
zindagi ek safar .. sambhal na pau

Akela hu sabh ke sangh, adhura tere bin
Hai haasil duniya..
phisalthi reth hai mutti mein..
hu bhataktha hua musafir..
hu adhoora ek kahaani ..

Doondu iss soonapan mein ek manzil
ya bhatku inn lehron ke disha..
kal ka khwaab ka kya patha..
jeeloon is pal mein.. 

Better world

It's a better world. .than the way its told
Its a better world, than what we have been sold.
it ain't so cold, there's hands to hold
And warm words doled.
to embrace, there's arms that unfold
and shoulders lent, when there is a need.

the MLC

As i drive along, a lot many times, i see people standing over bridges - just staring down at the freeway. Watching the cars fly by. watching people pass through. Thousands of stories - a moment of which - they become part of - while all of these moments together adding up to nothing of an afternoon for the ones on the bridge.

My days - of late - seem to resemble more and more - like standing on the bridge watching the traffic flow through under. There's many a story going around - none of which i seem to be of any importance to - or able to make an impact on. Life goes on. And like the ones on the bridge, I eventually get up and head home.

The little ones are the only ones that seem to provide some rhyme and reason to my days - the only silver lining. Maybe this is what midlife crisis is - maybe i should buy myself a bike :) Wait - is 35 like mid life? hmm.. 

Resilience

Winds of change changing time...
moving farther everything i considered mine..
but you know.. i 'll be just fine..

wandering wandering on..
wading through treacherous sea..
i wake up again.. i 'll be just fine

words said and unsaid.. all sail through..
remembering the little i did not do..
and the many fights I did not fight. .
I look back now. . and I know it well. .
I'll be just fine.

For its never enough. . Once it's not. .
for the shoes are way too big. .
And the roles too much to play. .
take a step back and look again. . It was always a dream. But you know what. ...
I'll be just fine!

'Do not go gentle into that good night'

Words to remember (from Interstellar):

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

wanderers

wingless wanderers, travel the wide world

seeking not an abode - i'm told

in them eyes, though i see a thirst

for warmth - for a foothold on the horst..

a space they could call their own

just not one place to hold them down

some find it in the journey.. some wander on...

A clown and a champion

To be their clown and their champion,
to be their wuss and their Warrior,
to be there day in and day out....
to say good night and hold them tight. .

To be brave and a coward. .
to be strong and fall with a touch....
to be gentle and be abused...
To take the blame and be the accused. .

to walk with them hand in hand,
to carry them and them attend..
to be, with them,  a kid again. .
This is who I am... I am a dad!!!

do I have a question?

fallacies

the fallacies of men are nigh and file
for desire dictates this world and while
we bicker long and bicker hard
for the little we interpret from word

to think, a sin, all we want is win
to fight this battle hard, we lose the world instead
clowns at heart - we hug the stage
unconscious to the wrath in history's page

a nation we sink, in tears we drink
thousands will fall in fuses we set to tick
but fear not.. this world shall our haute refill
for people are gullible still

marriage should sacred be
no fetus shall kill thee
for in god we trust
and for us they vote must.

midnight purple

midnight on midnight now..

we live on in dreams we sow..

in purple tinges.. in dark fringes.. 

in unfinshed faces.. in well kept secrets..

we live on in dreams aglow..

i 've travelled long and vested much..

to see you fly is where my dreams lie..

in tender hands of minds ablaze..

i leave you morrow to be brought back.. 

from dreamy sleep to flying high.

you have crossed them depths..

you 've come so far.. 

to be one with fire and wind.

lo and behold.. all shall see.. 

you become what you were meant to be!

In due time...

I was looking through old political and historical maps of India and came across this website with a few very interesting (for me) maps.
http://www.euratlas.net/history/hisatlas/india/index.html

The lesson from the exercise (to me again.. ) seems to be that 'in due time' everything changes. What  we celebrate/regret today WILL change again and again and eventually end up being something totally not resembling what we so sincerely advocate/support the state of. And then it will change some more.

Makes me Wonder - What would a really global world look like? One in which - there are no borders. Wait - that's already there. There's no real borders. Borders are but imaginary haphazard lines we draw to.. hmm.. i don't really know the exact useful purpose they serve.
Either way - what would a world without  these imaginary borders - look like? One where a human is a human - not an indian, not an american, not a muslim, not a christian, not an atheist, not a republican, not a democrat - but just that - a human. That would be one big leap forward - wouldn't it?

Anyways, time to stop dreaming and actually start sleeping :)

Holding on...

in word unspoken and sides not taken
in desires unexpressed.. in differences not sorted..
in arguments meaningless.. and making up kisses missed
We 've lost the love we've shared...

In evening and nights away.. in the many calls not made..
in the umpteen apologies untold... in the few moments not cared..

in hugs not hugged and hands not held..

We 've lost the love we've shared...

In proving myself right.. one more time you - I 've wronged
yet in every breath hence taken - for you i've longed...
forgiveness though time and again  have I seeken..
 yet with every turn ..'us' we 've foresaken.. 

tear not now.. my darling love..
for what remains now..is a void..
one that neither of us can fill..or will..
fly on now... be that little dove..

Deja Vu

I have walked out of these doors a hundred times before. Exactly as many times as I have walked in. But today is going to be the last. I have had told myself a lot many times that this would be the last, but this time is going to be different.

You need talent but that is not enough. Here you need the lady - lady luck. And the lady comes in four different forms and only one of them is a heart. So three times out of four your talent has to wage against a lot of luck. Some are born with it - or so it seems. They come in - make the worst of choices and yet make off with a lot more than they deserve. I - on the other hand - have talent. And that's about all I have - is what it seems like on occasions like these. And more often that not - it seems like I am the one paying off the stupid ones. I have had enough of this. I am not going to pay off these guys anymore. Its not a fair game - this.

I get into my car, turn the ignition on and wait for the engine to warm up. The mind goes back to what happened. Why do i always have to be on the same table with fools like this.

I came in today as usual. I do not bring in too much. I only come in when I have a lot of time at hand. Its a sensible move. I don't bluff too much. And when i do - I am good at it. I do take the occasional risk but not over board. And there's only so many permutations and combinations and I am good with numbers. That with the right decisions - sure moves the numbers in your favor.

She does not always need to know. And I always have the right reason. Did I tell you - I am good at the bluff. I have confessed before. But that was because I wanted to tell her. There were too many things wrong and sometimes she needs to know. But not always. Its not too good - or so it seems for the relationships. But well, she does not understand. And she does not know that I am good. She will know it when I make it big. And would she react the same, if I spent the money investing? Really - its not that different. At least here, I have a better hold of how it goes down. But, either way - for now - its better she does not need to know.

Either way, here I am trying to go back and figure out what went wrong. Rewind 10 minutes. I have been on the table for over an hour now. I have almost doubled what I have brought in. I know almost everyone at the table here. Its better to play with people you have played before. You know there aren't too many wild cards. Lesser 'Lucky' guys.

I have a hand. a pair of kings is always good. I raise pre-flop. Everyone mucks. Except for this dude at first blind. He raises. I call. He has a hand. I have played with him before. One of the 'Not too much going on up there' guys. He's here to gamble.

A K 2 off suite for the flop.
He checks. I raise small - Just to make sure. He says 'Gamble Gamble' and goes all in. He has me covered.
I know him though. He's bluffing. I can see it in his eyes. He makes eye contact but bounces right away. Mutters something about me calling if I wanted to gamble and the kind of nervous talk. He does not want me to call. I say 'All in' as well.
We turn it over. he's got a pair of Jacks. I am doubling up.

Well - not to be. Turn's a 10 and River's a Queen. And this one has no heart.
Everyone knows it. I could not have played it better or made a better choice. Either way, he takes my chips. All of them. And I walk out. Slowly but surely.

This has happened way too many times. I have been in the car for a while now. I reverse and head out. Surely its luck. There's no other logical explanation. Either way, I am done with this. I cannot keep doing this. Its hurting my finances. Its hurting my relationship. Its hurting my family. Its hurting me. And there seems to be no dearth of 'Lucky' ones. I slowly drive home. She answers the door. I say 'How are you honey? Sorry I am late. Lots of work.'

the math of career building

Interesting excerpt from an old email thread:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings, where someone wants you to give over 100%. 
How about achieving 103%? What makes up ! 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that..

"While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there..... 
it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top"

words from a different world..

"phil hal tho hum saas lerahe hain...

par jeena tho usi din chod diya.. jis din tum gaye..."

I was going through old mails .. emails from almost 10 years ago .. and it seems like a different world altogether. I do not recognize the person who wrote those words anymore. It was me 10 years ago but then I see what has changed in the 10  years and am trying to make sense.

Also as i go through these old emails - I can see how careless I have been with people - and have not reached out to people when they needed the most. Maybe it was the fallacies of youth or just me being stupid - either way I should have cared a little more - I think. I spent a lot of time yesterday night reading through the emails and it kind of makes me understand who I was and maybe a bit of who i am. Its nice to be able to look back at time and have a record. Because we tend to forget and there are some things we need to be reminded of - now and then.

Moving on...

The easiest thing to say - and yet the toughest thing to do is 'Move On!'. I have heard its necessary to do so to stay 'normal' - to stay 'sane' that is. But 'normal' and 'sane' do not always explain why some things happen.
And when they do - normal and sane aren't really something you are thinking about being. Peace to those who have to...

republican or democrat?

A political party affiliation is not life term. Its not an identity - its not for ever. People have been known to give up their religion and embrace new faiths and religions. This is but a choice they get to make every four years. The divide in the country is the misconstrued notion that someone is either a republican or a democrat. There is no such perfect correlation. I am not a democrat or a republican. I agree with or share the same stance of one of the parties in some issues. But that does not make me a Democrat or Republican for life. I happen to think that one might be a better choice for government in the current times - that's about it.

I think - the biggest problem facing America now - is this divide. This assumption that a person is a democrat or a republican and that is their identity. People seem to have forgotten that its just a party and having voted for one of the parties last time round or the last few times or always so far - does not mean they have to again. It is just a choice they make for four years of governance.

This strategy is apparently working out very well for the parties. But not so well for the people. Of late, the two party system seems to be doing more bad than good for the people of America. The two parties seem to be representing two ends of the spectrum and the people are deprived of a chance to choose what's best for them - but are rather forced to choose one of two broken choices. And all elections seem to be about the same issues over and over again. Pro choice vs Pro Life (This is a really smart choice of words - good marketing. You can't be against life - can you?) and tax issues and a few other of the sort. And all people seem to think about - or are made to think about - is these few things when making the choice. People already have strong opinions on most of these - which seem to decide where their vote is going.

From what I have heard (and seen a bit of in the past decade I have been here) of the American people, their biggest factor for success has been their willingness to see the mistakes they make and work to resolve the issues/causes that lead to the mistakes. I hope I get to see more of this quality in their approach to their politics and government in the coming years.

back to basics....

What we see around and is as is, we try to define and quantify. The human mind is a complicated mess. so complicated that we haven't yet understood it well enough. And there goes the quantification again.

When you look at it, nature defines a set of rules. Rules which to most animals is 'nature'. Its just the way it is - and there just isn't another alternative. Take love for example. Take any animal - wolves seem to be good for stories of late.. lets stick with them. Once partnered, one risks all for the other and when the kids are born, they risk it all again for the survival of the kin. This the human eye sees - and calls 'love' and then we quantify the term. 'Do you love me enough to do XYZ?', 'how much do you love me', 'am i important enough' and the lot. This is a folly of the free mind. The devil's workshop kind of free. We invent terms and quantify them to complicate our otherwise 'natural' life and the relationships we bear among each other.

This again is the devil at work - for as is observed, the poorer a family, more often than not the more tightly coupled are them in all. But as living, the process itself gets easier, and people have time to spare - time they would have spent making ends meet - they tend to make life and relationships more complicated. The family that struggles to put food on the table on a daily basis, have less time to analyse and in general ...,be unhappy and tend to enjoy the little time they get to spend with their close ones.

Most of us, it seems so, are on paths that we assume will make us happy and satisfied with what we have one day. The well versed phrases of 'Life is what happens when we are making plans for it' and the kind have become all but cliches. Everyone seems to know and understand the importance of living the moment but very few seem to actually implement what they know. This seems to affect our relationships adversely too. The solution could be to bring out the animal in us. Put this messy brain of ours to use to differentiate what is natural from what is its own manipulation of nature and stick to the basics. We might end up a 'more' satisfied lot after all.